Is it because if University - that I know in two or three month I have to move out and leave my family alone? Dont get me wrong I did never get along with my family very well but now since there are just my mother and grandmother left it makes me sad leaving them. Not that I am often around them but living close to them or eight hours away makes a difference to me.
Furthermore I tink I have a problem. Whenever I think about my past I only remember the bad or really awkward situations. When I think about my childhood I remember these calls with my grandmother I used to made when my parents were fighting, I remember the smell of alcohol and the odd places my dad used to hide his bottles of vodka, I remember how bad people at school treat me - how I started to cut myself because I wasn't able to stand their words,I remember one in particular. For our trip to Dublin we'd to make and sell sandwiches. I remember when I entered the kitchen and asked where I could help Marie answered I should better get in a bin instead of helping because I am nothing than trash and I remember that no one said nothing against it. Although it's now two years ago I remember it as it happened yesterday.
Even when i think about Japan I remember the bad things first. The fights I had with my boyfriend the feeling of being all alone in a country I didn't know before. I remember being called fat countless times from my boyfriend although at time I wasn't. (45kg) I wished I could sleep right now.