Freitag, 18. Mai 2012


It is 2:50 am right now and I should be sleeping already but for some reasons I cannot.

Is it because if University - that I know in two or three month I have to move out and leave my family alone? Dont get me wrong I did never get along with my family very well but now since there are just my mother and grandmother left it makes me sad leaving them. Not that I am often around them but living close to them or eight hours away makes a difference to me.

Furthermore I tink I have a problem. Whenever I think about my past I only remember the bad or really awkward situations. When I think about my childhood I remember these calls with my grandmother I used to made when my parents were fighting, I remember the smell of alcohol and the odd places my dad used to hide his bottles of vodka, I remember how bad people at school treat me - how I started to cut myself because I wasn't able to stand their words,I remember one in particular. For our trip to Dublin we'd to make and sell sandwiches. I remember when I entered the kitchen and asked where I could help Marie answered I should better get in a bin instead of helping because I am nothing than trash and I remember that no one said nothing against it. Although it's now two years ago I remember it as it happened yesterday.

Even when i think about Japan I remember the bad things first. The fights I had with my boyfriend the feeling of being all alone in a country I didn't know before. I remember being called fat countless times from my boyfriend although at time I wasn't. (45kg) I wished I could sleep right now.

With love


  1. I'm sorry you feel so down darlin. All the bad memories and hurtful words always stick with me as well. Words really do hurt. *Hugs*

  2. Unfortunately it's a common thing with the human psyche, to remember bad things first"/ You're definitely not alone in that. xx